Positive Self-Talk: How a 30-Second Habit is Changing My Life
Hathai slumped in her chair, mind racing. Her team leader had said she was sure to get the promotion. But once again, she’d been passed over. “Why is it always me?” Hathai pecks furiously at her keyboard, trying to hold back the tears. “Why am I always the one getting overlooked?”
That night over drinks with friends, she confides in Marissa who’s sitting closest to her about what happened. “On top of that, my stove is on the fritz, my cat’s started peeing on the carpet, and my mother complained that I don’t spend enough time babysitting my nephew.” Hathai throws up her hands in disgust. “It feels like the world is out to get me.”
Stress + Victim Thinking = Ugly Outcomes
If you’re feeling like Hathai these days, you’re not alone. In the 2019 annual Gallup Poll, Americans reported feeling more stress, anger, and worry than in the entire past decade.
And that was pre-pandemic.
While Hathai is a fictional character, my outlook over the past two years has been very similar. If I’m completely honest, my outlook over my lifetime has been scarily in line with Hathai’s.
Having a “poor me” mindset, often falling into victim thinking when bad things happen, and seeing the world as dark and full of struggles rather than filled with light and possibilities, is something I’m uncomfortably familiar with.
Pandemic Stress Escalated “Poor Me” Thinking
Like just about everyone, the pandemic resulted in increased stress for me. Homeschooling on top of my ghostwriting and freelance work, quarantines, and weirdness at the grocery store was really hard. Constantly changing COVID-19 protocols and mandates, no time with friends, or doing many of the things I love took their toll. I’m thankful for my faith life, otherwise, I’m not sure how I’d have survived.
But even before “pandemic” was part of our daily vocabulary, I’ve struggled to stay cheerful and upbeat. Awkward with a name like “Joy”.
To be honest, it’s just easier to see the bad side, feel the pain, and experience frequent sadness than it is to fight one’s nature and act happy, carefree, and hopeful all the time.
It wasn’t that I was depressed. It was just that my go-to mindset when bad things happened was, like Eyore, “No matter. Guess I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up anyway.”
But I didn’t want to stay stuck like that. I couldn’t understand how some people were able to change — keep their negative, pessimistic sides from taking over — but I couldn’t.
I was so upset, I forgot to be happy. ~Eyeore
One Tiny Change = Big Results
It wasn’t until I listened to an excellent podcast episode, “What if Your Thoughts…Became Reality?” via Sacred Potential, that I got a glimpse of the power I held in my hands…or rather my brain.
A lot of people love and follow the law of attraction. It’s not for me. As a Christian, I have a different value system. But this podcast reminded me of the power of our words. And that I feed myself a steady diet, mostly unconsciously, of words that tear me down, de-motivate me, and de-energize me.
So, I decided to do an experiment. It had to be simple and easy. In fact, it had to be so simple and so easy that I couldn’t forget to do it. Or be too lazy to start.
A practice I started years ago — and which is mentioned in Atomic Habits, the runaway bestseller by James Clear— is habit stacking. I didn’t know it was called that until I listened to Clear’s book. But I knew it was effective.
Habit stacking, in case you’re unfamiliar with the term, is when you partner a new habit you want to incorporate into your life with something you already do regularly. For example, taking five deep breaths while you wait for your morning coffee.
Habit stacking was something I could do. So, I decided to try to change my mind…with my feet.
How My Feet Helped My Brain
Now, to fully understand this situation, I have to tell you something embarrassing. Really, really embarrassing. I have the most calloused, dry feet on the planet. Seriously, I could walk over hot coals with no problem. It’s doubtful that I’d feel a thing. I’ve been known to saunter barefoot across rocky beaches nonplussed while others pick their way delicately over sharp stones.
Despite putting thick creams and lotions on them, albeit infrequently, my feet have remained ridiculously dry for my whole life. It could be because I love going barefoot whenever I can. It might be that I get a pedicure once a year if I’m lucky.
But whatever the cause, I decided to stop telling myself I couldn’t do anything to change the situation. Instead, I would start using turbo-strength oily cream on my feet daily. And I’d speak positive, gratitude-filled phrases out loud while doing so.
Can You Change Your Skin…and Thoughts?
Did I feel stupid doing this experiment? Yes.
Did it help? Yes.
At first putting cream on my feet every single day felt like a waste of time. A week in and they were still as tough and calloused as ever, no thanks to my pumice foot filer and the added moisture.
And talking out loud to myself about things I was grateful for — most of which hadn’t actually happened yet — felt equally pointless.
But then something happened. Around week three, I noticed a real change in the skin on my feet. It felt more like, well, skin and less like lizard hide. And something else was happening that was even more magical. My negative self-talk was a little less frequent.
How Negative Self-Talk/Poor Me Thinking Hurts Us
Like many people, my daily onslaught of negative self-talk often revolved around imaginary scenarios with other people. “What did he mean by that comment?” might start the Negative Self-Talk Express. Soon it would rumble down the track, picking up speed, and perceived insults along the way.
Example
Husband: “Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?”
Me: “No, I forgot to run it last night before bed.” Inside seething: Because I was busy balancing the checkbook and you forgot to enter the electric bill. Again. And I was exhausted. And anyway, why can’t anyone else do dishes around here? Why do I have to do everything?
Once the Negative Self-Talk Express gets going it’s really, really hard to hit the emergency brake.
With this experiment, one of the first things I noticed was the change in the way my family and I interacted. Two of my positive statements had to do with these relationships. Had the relationships magically changed? Or had I altered my expectations? Or was my family interacting with me differently because I was treating them differently?
Whatever the cause, things continued to improve. Not only did I not mind saying my “positive thoughts” every morning, but I kind of missed it when I forgot. I’d even say them at other times of the day. It gave me a mental boost. I felt a little more energetic just saying the phrases.
Five Months In…
It’s been about five months now since I started this experiment. When I think about it, this is a weird example of habit stacking. But the positive outcomes are worth it.
Remember that old adage, “You are what you eat”? In reality, we are what we think. I’m not “cured”. I still have down days and plenty of “why me” or “poor Joy” thinking. But I’m encouraged by the results of this habit stacking experiment.
Being more hopeful on a regular basis is good. It’s good for me health-wise, it’s good for my energy and mood, and it’s good for those around me.
The softer feet aren’t a bad side effect either.
When I’m not writing about health and wellness, self-improvement, and professional development, you’ll find me outside with my family, watching movies and eating Cheerios, or reading good books. I also write suspense novels that “turn pages not stomachs” via my pen name, J.P. Choquette.
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